another year
I was sitting here today evening thinking how I felt like updating this blog. I knew it had been so long -
too long -
the long that makes you not want to look at how long, and so the time keeps passing.
I think that’s what has happened over these last eight (almost nine!) months. I actually couldn’t believe how long it had actually been from my last post when I looked at the date.
But I know it’s not the only thing that’s kept me away. Life in other forms started to happen again since April - and some lives were sadly taken away during this time. Life (and its passing) took precedent and I honestly had to step away for different spots of time. As much as I didn’t want to admit it or let it happen during this project, I got a bit overwhelmed. Even now I’m not always sure of the balls that I’m juggling and find it easier sometimes to disconnect. This is some of the reason for my absence.
For those following along on instagram, this is where I at least found some motivation to update and post somewhat regularly as full blog posts became too intimidating for my mental space.
In late spring some travel started to return which meant that my work started to do the same. Luckily. And it ended up being the busiest season of retreats I’ve ever had. And next year is shaping up to be the same. I’m very grateful after a year and a half with almost no work at all.
But it also made me realize how fortunate, in a way of looking for the silver lining, that our lockdown period was in regards at least to this project. I actually had time - lots of time - to devote solely to being present in every step. Watching the progress and taking time to document and breathe it all in.
Then in May I spent the month back in the U.S. to visit with family. I was a little nervous to be away from the day to day tasks at the house but in a way felt relived from what had become an all-consuming project. J stayed back and kept me updated with plenty of on-site photos and constant communication.
It was also in May when we lost our dear project manager, Stefano - who had become a good friend over the past few years of working together. Covid ended up hitting too close to home and after months of working from his hospital bed, we received the news that he was moved to ICU and heart-breakingly never was able to hear from him again. This brought an understandable halt to the project for about four months. Being without a project manager meant that we were left scrambling to find replacements, both logistically and legally as there were months of working through the bureaucracy paperwork to change everything over. Plus at this time the Covid supply-chain backups finally made their way to us with an overlapping four-month delay in getting a piece of steel to finalize a test that needed to be done on the pylons under a retaining wall which domino-affected every other next step.
(you can read more about what I like to call the “wall chronicles” starting with this instagram post)
Then, I sadly had to return to the States in late July after my mother passed away - it feels even strange to write this…and I’m not sure I’m ready to say too much about it as this doesn’t seem like the best platform to express my feelings about this. But I will say that her long battle with early-onset Alzheimer’s, watching her decline at such a young age, and knowing that at the same time the years that she was slipping away, I was aging…this overall realization I think has had some deep effects in the way that I think about life. About this project. And about not waiting to live the life you look forward to.
I truly believe that this is a part of something that has kept me steadfast in my resolve to finish this, go all in, not stress too much about the implications for the future, and just say “if not now, when.”
So with that I’ll say that in these last couple of days of 2021. I will resolve to catch up with my thoughts and a year-long summary of the project on here. It’s as much for me as it is for anyone reading this. I know that I will want to remember these months, as full and frustrating as some have been. And so if not now, when.